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26 June 2015 @ 07:03 pm

Its crazy..

The closer the time comes, the more relaxed I feel. Though I do have random bursts of impatience here and there, Im trying to stay cool.

I think its because he's seen my flaws... and was cool about it, that i can relax a bit.

I've got a ways to go. Next time we meet, I will be better. I've lost 30 lbs and need to drop 30 more to be within proper bmi ranges.

Well.. Its actually 12.. But I still want to lose 30.

Gotta get on a schedule and make this happen.

20 June 2015 @ 04:00 pm

It aches sometimes.. These feels..
The heavy overflow. It's no one's fault but my own.
I am too much, I should have known..
And there's not enough beauty to back up this kind of crazy.

Why do I get like this? I told myself never again.
What am I doing?
What is this fascination?

I get fucking creepy.. visibly so.
I can't stop staring, I can't stop playing scenes...
I can't stop thinking.

"It's fine." He'd say... but it really isn't.

I don't know what to do with all of these emotions.
I don't know how to find balance. I've never known how. I either care too much, or too little.

Caring too little is managable. I don't become creepy and weird. I don't become impatient. I just, relax and accept things as they come.

I feel crappy today. Probably hormones are to blame.
Or the fake self esteem has wore thin. Either way.. everything feels like a huge issue today.

Tired of letting myself down.
Gotta get right. Gotta become a person who is worth the things I want. Who is worth loving, and who can inspire him.

...no more pretending...
...I gotta do better..

09 June 2015 @ 12:55 am

I have no outlet for this restless, mostly sexual energy. I figure, it isn't needed.. part of me says that. I'm trying to remain calm and collected about this, and its making me feel blah all over.

Daydreaming has stopped, which sucks, as it keeps me occupied and happy.

The other part of me is... displeased.

But hey, it is what it is. This is what I wanted, to an extent.. Control. It came at a good time too. The key is to not crack once pressure is applied.

In my cloud nine status, I called it as impossible. But now, I think I got this.

He is, naturally charming and sarcastic. Funny, and so damned intelligent. These traits work against me a lot, so I learned when watching a movie with him the other day.

Despite the desires, I held back and distracted myself with other things. It was a small, meaningful victory.

I was told a thing, that even if it feels like I am out of control, I am not. So that leaves me as being... overly eager.

Why is this a thing now? Rejection.. Lack of interest on his part. It is known that he tends to over think, so I need to make it so that doesnt happen.

Like Super Taboo - Reason need sink its ship into the waters of instinct.

I do not want to make the first move this time.
If you aren't going to tell me what you want, then show me.

Show me your true self.

I'm pretty sure at one point, he had said something like, he would be fine if he hadnt ever had sex.

... What?

I guess some of us are better at ignoring things than others.

Ah well.

04 June 2015 @ 09:24 am

No..  Nvm.. Fuck you.

Dont you know enough has been done? Enough damage? You've spat so much acid, Imma call you Vertigo, you bare your fangs and eat enough people.

I refuse to be one of the casualties.

I took control last time.  I did my fucking part.
I understand backsliding... I get that, and if need be, I'd fight the world for you mama, but I can't fight you. I just can't. Not again.

I feel like I am a teenager all over again.

I foresaw glory.. It was a beautiful, tangible thing. I would have taken care of you. Things would have been just, and perfect.. Then... You had to go and ruin it... For what? For why? I wish I could understand.

...anyways.. This has been an eye opening experience, to say the least. I am much too old for this, and so are you. I truly appreciate every thing you have sacrificed and done, but I am not that strong. As the newer version, I don't sit back and take my licks... I lick 'em, mom.. or I leave 'em.

01 June 2015 @ 03:49 am

His words of affection came first this time.
Usually, I say them first, and his response is always spoken softly. When he says them first though....

...diliberate... strong... sure..

It felt amazing.

Today was an interesting one. I, had upset him for a minute there I think. Instantly, he became apologetic..sad/frustraited.. and beautiful.

I love this man. I always have. Since he was 15.
Now, at 29, I still do, and so much more than ever before. When we discuss plans, they are long term.. and while there is hesitation, there is also a sense of knowing, that this is right.

I was surprised today in a few ways. Something was said, so lets see how that works out when the time comes.

I gotta make this work.
I will, I swear... I just.... need next month..
I think he needs it too.

Counting down the days.

30 May 2015 @ 07:57 pm

Gotta calm down.
Must regain some form of control.

27 May 2015 @ 06:35 am

I told my mother "fuck you" today... straight to her face. Of course I went back and apoligized rather quickly. And I truly feel bad about it now. Horrible really.

I want to make excuses like.. she was yelling and cursing at me for no reason. I want to say that I attempted, several times.. to alert her to the fact that I had done nothing wrong. Even still.. it was wrong on my part. 100%. I should have just walked the hell away.

However sad and pathetic this is.. there is a lot to be learned.

1. When my feelings are hurt, and ignored.. and you are a person that means a lot.. I will automatically respond with rage.

2. Anger comes before sadness, tears, or any sort of emotion one generally considers to be... weak.

No.. I do not think people who cry are weak individuals. I, personally.. feel that when I do things like that.. that I am a weak and stupid individual.

Logic.. makes no sense on that.. but bare with me.

I have had ALOT of hormonal related issues lately. I dont even understand what the hell is happening. Why at 31.. does my body decide "I'm every woman," and wants to start doing shit that woman bodies do?

Its completely ridiculous.. though I am enjoying the rapid weightloss.

3. I am on top.
4. I am on motherfucking top.

With the way this "new" relationship is going, I can't be touched or bothered. Now that I think about it, I may be suffering from some sort of manic episode.

Yes.. it seems to be a general trend when I date men. And this time around, because I have seen the potential for.. well, everything I've ever wanted., I feel that others are a hinderance, and therefore dont give a shit.

No, no... that cannot be the case.
Partially the case? Perhaps?
Whatever the case.. I was way out of line.. and as it stands now, everything rests in my hands. I cannot keep waiting around for shit to suddenly be right with my mother, especaily if she's harbored all of these issues, which will come pouring out anytime she spends more money than she should on shit she wanted to buy.

I dont.. even know...

25 May 2015 @ 08:44 pm

Nothing can stop me now.

23 May 2015 @ 06:33 pm

This morning, was beautiful.

Something happened. I can't really say what, or.. I cannot properly word it, rather... but suddenly, it was like a lock was undone, and behind the double doors, was a wonderous treasure.

There was a person, who looked familiar, which I had met only within day dreams. Still so charming.. with a radiance I cannot begin to describe. This person was stunning.. so much so that I couldn't waste time, being bothered by sleep until I was completely exhausted.

My feelings were returned before I could manage to speak them. It was truly a craziness like I've never known.

And sexy.. so fucking sexy... pre emptive strikes even. My mouth fell open, and I knew right then, that I stood no chance of counter attacking. Not when that form shows itself. Insta-finish. Total K.O.

This feels so comfortable.. and so real.
I never knew things could be like this.

22 May 2015 @ 07:35 pm

Not in the best of moods at this time, really.  I'm smoking way too much.

On the upside, I went through my closet and found more clothing that I can fit into. While this pleases me, I want more. For myself? Yes, but as usual, I am hardly motivated by myself.

This.. makes no sense to me  it never has. As independent as my spirit is, one would think me to be a self motivating individual.

But nah... its not like that, though perhaps, once down to brass tacs, my motivation runs on things of a selfish nature.

I want to be told things.. stupid fucking things that aren't true, nor will they ever be true. I want to hear impossible things that can never truly be, yes... even after all this time.

The shittiest part is when I recieve said things .. I question them, mostly because they are not true, and some part of me has written that in stone.

What kind of fucking sense does it make to want to be lied to?


After reading up on my personality type, there were a lot of things that really hit home.

- The fact that after a while, my restless energy dies out and I begin pulling away.

- The fact that I hate hate hate hate discussing my feelings, let alone even having emotions.

- The fact that I rarely finish things that I start.

- The fact that I become bored easily.

I need to work on this shit. I need to do a lot of things.

I think it's time to watch Kaiji again.