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04 February 2017 @ 08:58 pm
It's all wrong. It's alright. It's all wrong.  
Been a while.

Seems like I can never findthe words to say. Or, perhaps as time passes and I age, I realize more and more just how useless words truly are. While words are useless,communication is everything... which, is probably why I avoid transcribing my thoughts.After all, this is not communication. Just a dumping ground turned record after a few years, one which ends up disgusting me more than anything. A constant fucking reminder of the failed dreams and life of a stupid girl, who wanted the world to change instead of changing herself.

In the grand scheme of things... I'm unimportant now. Remembered fondly by those who's lives I've some how touched. I suppose that exact thing is true of everyone, really... and yet, when I look around, I see people with sparks... uploading videos of themselves, as if they are someone of importance? As if their reactions and opinions matter or make a difference.

...as this is a primary and rather normal source of entertainment in 2017, I suppose there is something to it? Something I am missing? It seems I've reached that point in my life where I am set in my way of thinking. Unable to be upgraded. Obsolete.

Sometimes, if I close my eyes and focus on in, I can feel my internal kill-switch has been flipped. I can feel myself dying. I look at my father and others who have aged well, and I cannot help but to feel that this will not be the case, in my case.

Time is cruel, as it forces one to watch themselves deteriorate and degrade into a later and later version of themselves that wishes they would have done something or another differently, back when it was more convenient.

I see a psych now. It feels so pointless to go. I try and make the best of it though because that's what it's all about; rehabilitation for those who cannot find meaning to that which is truly meaningless.

"Sometimes you have to just wake up, look in the mirror and lie to yourself." She said. "I wake up, and instead of thinking that I don't want to go to work, today is going to be bad... I tell myself that I am going to have a great day."

....why?

She ended up responding with something along the lines of the vibes we put out manifest insome way. Which is honestly, bullshit.

Hate your job? The day is gonna suck. However, money does not. However bad you think your fucking day is going to be... not paying your bills is faaar worse. So from here, it's nothing to do with what a person thinks.. or the vibes they put out. It's simply accepting the lesser of two evils.

Everything looks like hamsters on wheels to me. You work to pay for your little cage. You meet another hamster, have hamsters, and the cycle continues. This is your life's goal. This is the ultimate happiness. And everything else is just trying to fill the space in time until one can do it no longer. Pretty damn depressing to consider existence in that way. Some catch glimpse of it, shrug their little furry shoulders and just keep running. Some spend their entire lives never even thinking about it, and lastly; there are some who can never unsee how pointless everything is and just... cannot motivate themselves to do anything at all... and that's when you need "help". A person who every few weeks, tries to put little blinders on you, so that you can be like the other hamsters.

It's working, I suppose. I don't want to kill myself anymore.. I am just increasingly tired of myself. It's taking its sweet time coming to fruition, as for most of my life I have achieved nothing. I've lived in the moment... satisfying whatever urge just so happened to pop into my mind if I had the means to do so. But now, I feel lead by these urges. Controlled by stupid, pointless, illogical concepts, some of which.. I lie to myself to make acceptable.

... just getting real sick of my shit.
... tired of feeling...
... tired of wants and wishes...
... tired of pretending...
... tired of lies...
... tired of being human...

For the record..
I am dating a guy I can never marry. Yeah, marriage seemed like a cute idea to me for a bit there.
I still care for Candace, and yeah... Imma meet her.
I lost a lot of weight because I am diabetic. Since the meds, my body is normal again and the weight returned, so really.. theprogress I thought I had made was a fucked up lie.
I wear glasses now.
I am wrinkling.
I exercise, but not enough..
I eat less, but still too much..
I take spend more time grooming myself than ever before.
I no longer spend my days catfishing on IMVU.
Still unemployed.

...and that's all that's actually been going on, really.
 
 
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Current Music: All I Need | Radiohead