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Day by day, I get a little worse. c:

Just wanna sleep.
I'm working now.

worst. job. ever.

But, at least I feel better and can buy a few things.

My relationship?

MUCH better.

I realized that even though I have power, I don't have to take things all on myself. I don't have to do everything. That's just not how relationships work. Each person must put in the effort so in the end, one may look to the other and say... "we did it."

Because of this, the ball is in his court. And while this will indeed be a stressful endeavor at first, it will be nothing but positive for him in the end.

I'm doing things on my terms this time. No rushing into shit. No needless sacrifices.

There will be delays. I have to take the time to do me so that I can be happy and successful. So that I can be the best I can be, and so that I don't resent him, for never accomplishing those things.

I realize that time is important. But as with most things, two people actively working towards a goal will make things go much faster. Do I expect anything from him? No.. my problems are my own, after all. I just know if things are going to be right, it's gonna take more than a few months of saving everything and will take even longer paying 350 out a month.

After this trip, it's on. I'm gonna bust ass. It's time to crawl out of this hole I'm in.

Yeah, it's time.

It's also about time to see him!

4 days.

Gotta be ready.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Dazzling Smile ~Special Mix~ | Hirata Shihoko
05 February 2017 @ 04:05 pm
I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days
That you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light

I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's alright
It's all wrong
05 February 2017 @ 02:21 pm
I hate my life, and I hate myself.
I ruin everything....

Why does he want to be with such a loser?
And worse yet... why does this loser keep it going?

If I were a decent person, I'd just end this already!
He's so much better off... He says he's not, but I can't see it that way.

I don't know what to do anymore... I try to think positively, but it always ends fucked up. I always ruin something.

No wonder he can't tell me why he loves me, or what I do that's good. I always put him on the spot by asking shit that he can never answer truthfully, simply because I'm pressing him into a situation where he can do nothing but lie. 

You know, it's a losing battle. Because even if he could tell me... I probably wouldn't believe him.

I'm so stupid... to think I ever did anything to deserve someone so kind.
I'm so stupid... for thinking something so disgusting is worthy of appreciation or praise.
I'm a piece of shit... for trying to put that on him.

Everything is doomed to fail, because I am a failure.

I don't want to be. But I am.

I'm going to ruin his life. I just know it.

I can't let this continue on the track it is on.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
04 February 2017 @ 08:58 pm
Been a while.

Seems like I can never findthe words to say. Or, perhaps as time passes and I age, I realize more and more just how useless words truly are. While words are useless,communication is everything... which, is probably why I avoid transcribing my thoughts.After all, this is not communication. Just a dumping ground turned record after a few years, one which ends up disgusting me more than anything. A constant fucking reminder of the failed dreams and life of a stupid girl, who wanted the world to change instead of changing herself.

In the grand scheme of things... I'm unimportant now. Remembered fondly by those who's lives I've some how touched. I suppose that exact thing is true of everyone, really... and yet, when I look around, I see people with sparks... uploading videos of themselves, as if they are someone of importance? As if their reactions and opinions matter or make a difference.

...as this is a primary and rather normal source of entertainment in 2017, I suppose there is something to it? Something I am missing? It seems I've reached that point in my life where I am set in my way of thinking. Unable to be upgraded. Obsolete.

Sometimes, if I close my eyes and focus on in, I can feel my internal kill-switch has been flipped. I can feel myself dying. I look at my father and others who have aged well, and I cannot help but to feel that this will not be the case, in my case.

Time is cruel, as it forces one to watch themselves deteriorate and degrade into a later and later version of themselves that wishes they would have done something or another differently, back when it was more convenient.

I see a psych now. It feels so pointless to go. I try and make the best of it though because that's what it's all about; rehabilitation for those who cannot find meaning to that which is truly meaningless.

"Sometimes you have to just wake up, look in the mirror and lie to yourself." She said. "I wake up, and instead of thinking that I don't want to go to work, today is going to be bad... I tell myself that I am going to have a great day."


She ended up responding with something along the lines of the vibes we put out manifest insome way. Which is honestly, bullshit.

Hate your job? The day is gonna suck. However, money does not. However bad you think your fucking day is going to be... not paying your bills is faaar worse. So from here, it's nothing to do with what a person thinks.. or the vibes they put out. It's simply accepting the lesser of two evils.

Everything looks like hamsters on wheels to me. You work to pay for your little cage. You meet another hamster, have hamsters, and the cycle continues. This is your life's goal. This is the ultimate happiness. And everything else is just trying to fill the space in time until one can do it no longer. Pretty damn depressing to consider existence in that way. Some catch glimpse of it, shrug their little furry shoulders and just keep running. Some spend their entire lives never even thinking about it, and lastly; there are some who can never unsee how pointless everything is and just... cannot motivate themselves to do anything at all... and that's when you need "help". A person who every few weeks, tries to put little blinders on you, so that you can be like the other hamsters.

It's working, I suppose. I don't want to kill myself anymore.. I am just increasingly tired of myself. It's taking its sweet time coming to fruition, as for most of my life I have achieved nothing. I've lived in the moment... satisfying whatever urge just so happened to pop into my mind if I had the means to do so. But now, I feel lead by these urges. Controlled by stupid, pointless, illogical concepts, some of which.. I lie to myself to make acceptable.

... just getting real sick of my shit.
... tired of feeling...
... tired of wants and wishes...
... tired of pretending...
... tired of lies...
... tired of being human...

For the record..
I am dating a guy I can never marry. Yeah, marriage seemed like a cute idea to me for a bit there.
I still care for Candace, and yeah... Imma meet her.
I lost a lot of weight because I am diabetic. Since the meds, my body is normal again and the weight returned, so really.. theprogress I thought I had made was a fucked up lie.
I wear glasses now.
I am wrinkling.
I exercise, but not enough..
I eat less, but still too much..
I take spend more time grooming myself than ever before.
I no longer spend my days catfishing on IMVU.
Still unemployed.

...and that's all that's actually been going on, really.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: All I Need | Radiohead
15 February 2016 @ 01:14 am
A lot has happened...

So much, that I don't know where to even begin, so you know.. I think I won't at this time.

I have a lot on my mind, and no way of sorting it right now. So, I'll just come back later.

Yeah, later.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Play Date | Melanie Martinez
25 August 2015 @ 06:45 pm

Just.. This.. Right now.

Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
08 August 2015 @ 12:21 am

He's home now, and all has returned to normal. Save for now, I feel something I havent felt in ages.


Before he came, I was excited and impatient. But now, there is nothing but a vast, wintery desert of bullshit ahead.

The only thing which keeps me from breaking down is the fact that he waits for me at the other side.

I want to give him everything.
I want to become someone worth cherishing.
I want to become beautiful.

Monday, the transformation begins.
Less talk, more action.


Words fail..

All i can do is feel it.

The only thing i can compare this happiness to is drugs.

It's terrifying to be in love.

27 June 2015 @ 12:24 am

Dancing on rocks is hard, but practice makes perfect.